I just tried to write a post that would help me with my …..issues that I’ve been having lately….and yea…I just ended up making myself pissed off. So I’m going to sleep and then try again tomorrow after work.

Yea depressing post first and now second post on what’s going on in my mind.

Now it’s normal for me to find guys attractive and admit it. I’ll even tell others….but to have a crush on two guys and wish one of them wanted to be with me…that’s new.

They both go to my school, and one of them, I know for a fact, is interested in someone else. I feel jealous of the girl and think she’s an idiot for playing with him. He’s great, kind, knows how to treat a lady, perv,funny as hell, quiet even though he got that humor, and rides a motorcycle….yes I got a weakness it’s a man with a bike.

The second one, well he was the first one I got a crush on and no it was not sappy love at first sight. It’s a crush, that could develop. He’s great and sweet. He’s got some real funny humor and he is a hard worker.

I dunnoooo, I know neither of them would ever date me, but that doesn’t mean they won’t work with me or be somewhat friends.

So I’ve been trying to go to sleep for a long time now. I just can’t because I keep thinking about a few things. One of them is wondering if my ex-boyfriend, my first boyfriend, my only boyfriend, if he was right. You see recently he messaged me on facebook, saying it was my fault for everything…but I figure you lovely tumblrs don’t know the story so I’ll tell you the full story.

I dated this guy after I literally fought for him. He was my first boyfriend and so far the only person I dated. Sad and pathetic for a 20yr old. I know. We made out once, so yea he was also my first kiss, and that’s like it. We didn’t go on dates, even though I asked him and was willing to pay, we didn’t hang out at his house, we did nothing but talk during school and made out that once. I, my naive little self, thought it was normal and everything was fine.

Wellllllll later on in that school year I went to the library and found him making out with his best friend. Who is a guy. So yea he was cheating on me with is best friend. I didn’t hold any grudges, but still broke it off with him.

I went home during break….I ran into him at kennywood. He has a new girlfriend and he’s still seeing his bestfriend. She doesn’t know about them even though I was polite and warned her about them. She didn’t believe me. The three of them then started to well re-open old wounds from when I was bullied and crushed what little self-love I had for myself that I gained thanks to my new friends in college. I absolutely hate myself now.

They called me a fat,whore,slut, no one will ever love me, yada yada yada,

yea it pretty much hurt.

I went back to college and then bam….a message on facebook from my x.

He told me it was all my fault that he was gay, that I sucked so bad at kissing, that I was so ugly it turned him. It was my fault that we didn’t work out, that he doesn’t find other girls attractive anymore…..and it continue.

Now being mature, I deleted his message, and blocked him but…..I dunno it’s been in my head since I read that one fanfiction which I know is not real but still.